all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Randomize
