I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
