we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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