I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
