If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
