im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
