your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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