Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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