the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
