I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We were destined to go to rehab together
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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