we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
