the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
