in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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