You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
