my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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