You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
