You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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