i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
