Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
