If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
