Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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