so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
our cab driver is having phone sex.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
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