Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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