Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
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