also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
