I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
