You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
