So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
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you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
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I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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