I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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