i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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