my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
