he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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