i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
