It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
