Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
