turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
