On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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