Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
