when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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