The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
