just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
