yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
