why do cheetos always look like penises
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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