Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
