dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
