I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
