If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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