when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
