Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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