Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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