Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It's shark week go big or go home
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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