I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
