Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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