Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
