8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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