I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
