one word: firstdatebathroomanal
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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