Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
